El Roi

What do You see when You look at me?

Are You disappointed?

Fed up, maybe?

Tired of the cycles I endlessly spin through?

I know I am.

I don't understand why I do these things;

The tiny insecurities, the shreds of fear.

The doubt upon doubt upon doubt.

When left unchecked, they grow.

When obsessed upon...they grow faster.

What do You see when You look at me?

With an omniscient perspective I expect it's not a walk in the park.

Up one day & down the next.

Sorrowful & anxious turned joyful & assured.

Moment upon moment upon moment.

It's a whirlwind here.

It's a quizzical thought not to understand yourself.

To know what you could be.

To envision what you ought to be.

To feel trapped by what you are.

That creeping sensation that you've messed up before you've even begun.

What do You see when You look at me?

That picture in my brain is rife with fog.

Some days I can imagine Your thoughts.

More often I sit in wonder upon wonder upon wonder.

Longing for the Son to shed light in the haze.

I'm curious to see how You'll beautify these ashes.

How You'll mix them with the everlasting well Water.

Fair warning: the clay will be filled with lumps & bruises as You mold.

But there You'll sit, shaping upon shaping upon shaping.

It's a painful thing, this making of jars.

What do You see when You look at me?

Does the Painter of jars mind my cracking surface, my toughened edges?

Does the Molder of clay think there's enough of me to hold what's important?

I feel You've made plenty of room for the newness.

But the clutter continues to pile up; all fault of mine.

You chose the lowest vessels to fulfill Your grand design.

Our durability encumbered by the spaces exposed in Light.

Yet Your eyes see past the brokenness; no clouds can blur that kind of Love.

Each split is being filled upon filled upon filled;

As Truth overcomes the webbing lines of deception.

What do You see when You look at me?

A new creation, formed & consecrated in grace.

A bright & shining surface for a healed & wholed, clean heart.

A beloved Saint redeemed upon redeemed upon redeemed.

A joyful child eternal, strengthened by the blood-stained wood.

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Biblical Context

El Roi is a Hebrew name for the Lord meaning "the God who sees me."

The angel of the Lord found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. The angel said to her, “Hagar, Sarai’s servant, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running away from my mistress, Sarai,” she replied. The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit to her authority.” Then he added, “I will give you more descendants than you can count.” And the angel also said, “You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael (which means ‘God hears’), for the Lord has heard your cry of distress. This son of yours will be a wild man, as untamed as a wild donkey! He will raise his fist against everyone, and everyone will be against him. Yes, he will live in open hostility against all his relatives.” Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. She said, “You are the God who sees me.”She also said, “Have I truly seen the One who sees me?” So that well was named Beer-lahai-roi (which means “well of the Living One who sees me”). It can still be found between Kadesh and Bered. So Hagar gave Abram a son, and Abram named him Ishmael. ~ Genesis 16:7-15

For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:5-10

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