Sprout #3 - Courtney Kitson

Removing the Toxic

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All my life I had heard people talking about how they removed toxic people from their life, that s/he was manipulative, or that we can choose how we feel. In response to the first two statements, I thought that people were exaggerating and being ridiculous. I thought that it wasn’t that hard to remove people you didn’t like; you just stop talking to them. I thought to myself that I would never have to do that because I would never be friends with a toxic or manipulative person. Well I was wrong and all three statements are things I now say in my own conversations.

When I went to college I didn’t make the highest quality of friends, but they were fun people I lived near that spent a lot of time with me. I had a lot of fun with them as we explored and experienced college for the first time together. I made one particular friend that seemed like my best friend and he seemed amazing. He was a little problematic, but he wanted to spend time with me. He thought of me as a sister and I thought of him as family. It turns out that he was not a great friend to me at all, but I didn’t really come to terms with that until a year or so later. While we were close friends, he would do and say things that were mean and insensitive. He would focus on his life, his issues, and would brush off my life, thoughts, and emotions. Because I liked the attention and being his friend, I stayed with him and I lost myself a little bit. I would stop focusing on God, I would stop talking about my faith and my family, and even my feelings and emotions were silenced. I didn’t fully realize any of this until I moved away from him and focused more on my quality friendships with those who believed in Jesus Christ.

I focused on my friends, like Bailey, who valued everything about me, didn’t use me, and loved God more than anything. They were not toxic, but beautiful people who loved me for who I was. I started to realize that even the good times that I spent with that guy, were not all that great. I felt unhappy, stuck, annoyed, or used during those times. Those times were without God as my focal point. I eventually stopped talking to that guy and moved on with my life. I focused more on my faith and my friends. I don’t hate him, and sometimes I look kindly upon those times with him. He was in my life for a reason. Through my struggles with him I bonded with many people, as we all worked through these similar issues of choosing how to feel and how to live.

Choosing how to feel is a bit difficult until you realize what it actually means. All it really means is to surrender yourself fully to God, to trust him fully. It means to stop holding on to your feelings and to offer them up for someone in need who is suffering. Once I managed to trust God’s plan and His reasons for my trials and tribulations, my anger and resentment for that guy and myself for staying friends with him began to dissipate. I haven’t mastered it yet, and I have not fully forgiven myself or that guy – I am working on it.

I know this is a bit long but this topic relates to what we are currently dealing with in this world. We could live in fear of this virus getting to us or our friends, and that is a very realistic and understandable feeling that we all have experienced. We might also feel fearful for economic reasons, like losing a job or the general downturn of the economy. However, we could also choose to surrender our self to God and trust in His plan. Through this we might be able to live more comfortably knowing that God is testing us and helping us and that we are never alone. Maybe this virus will bring more people to Him, or maybe this time will be when we stop making excuses and just get on our knees and pray to God every day.

XOXO,

C

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Prayer

I pray that God protects each and every one of you and your loved ones from this virus. I pray that you all stay strong and never lose your faith and love in God. I pray that the Spirit of God embraces you throughout these trying times. I pray that God helps you to realize the toxic things in your life and that you choose to rid yourself of the them and turn to God more and more. May the Lord bless you and keep you safe.

Amen.

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About the Author

Courtney is a recent graduate of UNC Chapel Hill where she studied History in preparation of one day becoming a government intelligence analyst. As a nanny, Courtney illustrates the kindness & compassion of someone well beyond her years. Her favorite things include Gilmore Girls, a long walk with her puppies, Christmas shopping, & a cute pair of heels. She is a beautiful & loyal friend who has loved me unconditionally since the day we met.