Sprout #4 - Riley Kiefer

A True, All Encompassing Love

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Most notably, Rod Stuart and Sheryl Crow sang “the first cut is the deepest”. For those of you who don’t know, this song is about all of the “first cuts” or “first loves” that will more than likely never be forgotten. For those who have been there, I’m sure you are relating to the message of this iconic song and are remembering your “first cut”. For those of you who can’t relate just yet, save this sprout for a later date when you will need it.

Until 2019, I had not yet experienced my “first cut.” I have always been a free spirit and just gone my own way. However, that can get boring and lonely at times. With that being said, like many other new college students I decided to turn to Tinder to make some new friends and maybe a boyfriend. I had just gotten into my groove and was preparing for the last leg of my first semester of college. I had met some great friends and was really loving every aspect of my newfound freedom and life. I wasn’t looking for anything serious at all, but God has a way of sending something or someone your way when you least expect it.

My “first cut” was something that could have been great. By no means did I love this boy, but I was on my way to it. I cared deeply for him and I thought he felt the same way for me. I talked to him every single day. He knew all about what was going on in my life and I would listen to every little thing he told me. I thought I did everything right. However, I guess I did not do everything right. I’ll save y’all all of the gory details but I will tell you how I felt in the end.

At this point of it all, I could not figure out what I had done wrong. I still do not know if I ever did anything really. However, what I do know for sure is the way I felt after my “first cut.” Even though my “first cut” took responsibility for everything, and owned up to leading it to the stage it was in, I never once actually blamed him. I internalized every little thing. In my head, I knew that I was not good enough to be with him anymore. In my head I thought I was clingy, annoying, hateful, ugly, chunky, and every little insult I could think of. This string of events left me feeling so incapable of being loved in a way that achieved a relationship level. I felt disgusted with myself for no real reason at all.

You see, while telling you this story, I have left off a couple of things. Firstly, I have a long history with anxiety and depression like most. It gets really bad when my emotions are crazy, I lack sleep, or I am super busy. Over the years I have gotten better with it and have gotten help. However, these issues are never truly fixed. With all of this doubt in my head, with the feelings of not being loved, feeling gross and so many more unexplainable things, I just had it bad. I tried my hardest to not show it, but I am sure I did. Secondly, my walk with the Lord has not been what it should be. I grew up in a Christian household and have always had a strong love for the Lord, however I have felt a desire toward things that are different from what the Lord speaks in His word. So not only was I feeling so alone and unloved at this time, but I also was not being with the Lord in the capacity I should have been. This is when I remembered one of my favorite words from the Bible: Agape.

In the Bible, there are four types of love: Eros, Philia, Storge and Agape. While I was so busy chasing the Eros love, I completely left out the Philia and Storge types of love; the loves that unite believers and family. I wanted to make an Eros, romantic love work so bad. However, when the Eros love was given up, it was the Philia and Storge loves that rescued me. I would not have these great loves if it was not for the Agape love. The all encompassing love that God has for us that brings me back to where I should be every time. It took a “first cut” to get me back to the love that I will always need, but never stray too far from. The Agape love that God’s grace will always provide me.

XOXO,

R

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About the Author

Riley is a junior at Appalachian State University where she majors in Global Studies and prepares for a career in international negotiations. As an avid traveler, Riley seeks to conquer the globe one pair of Chacos at a time! She loves working as a camp counselor, listening to her collection of vinyl records, and taking spontaneous road trips to faraway destinations. Riley is one of the most loyal and encouraging women I have the pleasure of doing life with and she has a firm grasp on God's call to love one another unconditionally.