Trillium

Dear Jesus,

I have a problem that I suspect You may know how to fix. You see, for months now I haven’t quite been able to place my jumbled thoughts into a cohesive and understandable format. Everything is a great big swirl of nonsense in this brain of mine and I’m hoping that taking the time to write to You will assist me in draining the whirlpool once and for all.

I began this letter to God twice but soon realized I needed to be more specific. At the present moment, I feel a steady capacity to understand God above me. He’s the sovereign, holy Director of life and Author of the universe. He’s the Father - the One who creates and enforces the pleasant boundaries for the protection of His children. He keeps in line a people who, left to themselves, are set on destroying every good and pleasing thing the eye can behold. And He does it with love; with care; with attentive detail and wisdom we will never be able to possess. Having grown up with loving parents myself (praise You for that), I can relate to the Father’s heart. I understand His careful discipline, His discerning foresight, and His allowance of my failure that paves the way for growth. And yes, I admit the battle for His affection still lingers - this weary daughter cries for Abba, fearing He’s too disappointed to look my way. I confess to yearning after the delight of my Dad, desperately desiring the twinkle of admiration in His watchful eye as I try my hardest to make Him proud.

I guess it is possible that I haven’t fully grasped God above me…

But surely I understand God within me. The Breath intertwined with my own; the very life-force that drives all of creation. He’s the whispering One, the gentle Teacher and empowering Miracle Worker. He’s the Holy Spirit - the One who counsels and sanctifies the hearts of people toward true humanity. He opens the eyes of the soul, giving glimpses into the brokenness we’ve been born into and the glorious death that leads to new life. And He does it with beauty and splendor, bearing fruits more wholesome and satisfying than anything the world can offer. Having seen His power at work firsthand I can testify that the open door of His presence is often palpable. I’ve witnessed the signs and wonders, felt the atmospheric shifting in a praise-filled room, and heard the words of conviction that become stepping stones for straightened paths. Okay, so I fret with tendrils of doubt in times where spiritual senses feel dulled. I wonder if I understood the promise - if all the majesty receives permanence only if I figure out how to get it together.

Maybe I do still struggle with questions about God within me…

And You - God who came for me. The Friend of sinners who loves to love the lost. You’re the brave One, the Shepherding Lamb and Word sent in flesh. You’re the Son - the One who chose to bear the weight of reunion Your Beloved couldn’t hold. You gave Your body so we could become one, rescuing us from the death that had long held captive the sleeping Bride. And You did it with the kindest heart, rejoicing at the tables of those You delighted to bring from brokenness to belonging. I see the Father in You: the mercy and grace poured out upon a rebellious people, the compassionate cry for the long suffering of sin, and the righteous wrath against the wicked schemes of the grave. I see the Spirit in You: the sovereign power You displayed as a testifying sign, the granted authority in Your command of “therefore, go,” the promise of even greater works than these.

So there we have it - apparently I’m not as wise and learned as I once assumed. Truly knowing You is the journey of a lifetime; a traversing of the hills and valleys at Your slow and steadfast pace. You are all at once above me, within me, and walking right beside me - what a great and mysterious love story indeed.

Yours (literally),

Bailey

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Biblical Context

Trilliums are white, three pronged perennial wildflowers that grow best in the shade. They inhabit wooded areas, blooming in clusters across the forest floor and turning pink as they age. I picked them as the face of this letter for their whispering quality - the way they grow in a tucked-away fashion, rising up as pure white petals among the darkened trees. This long-lived flower seems only to get better and more intricate as time passes on.

I wanted to represent this feeling of mystery and vastness that so often encompasses my view of God. His ways, His thoughts, and even His character have a tendency to get buried underneath the mountain of questions I have about my own life. In those moments I begin to feel distant from our Almighty, Universe-Ruling God, it's nice to sit down and be reminded that He loves to be sought after in the quiet places.

I'm reminded often of Jesus' question to the disciples: "Who do you say I am?" (Luke 9: 20). In all honesty, there are seasons in which I don't fully know how to answer that question. When my heart aches, my feet are slipping, and my mind is wracked with confusion, who do I say He is? Is He the Savior who sees my sin and says I forgive you? The Spirit who guides me into more truth about Himself, myself, and the world? The Father who made me and chose me, promising life and a future to me no matter what? Yes. He is all of those things and even more - the conclusion I always come back to as my heart continues to receive the fact that His deepest desire is simply to be known.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

~Matthew 7:7

"Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known." ~Jeremiah 33:3